I Knew This Would Be Love... And Goodbye

 "I knew this would be love" by Imaginary Future (dating Imaginary Friend) ipinarinig sakin 'to ng pinsan ko last year. Ito yung time na nahu-hook na naman ako sa isang tao. 

"It's funny how we met on the telephone. You and I on the edge of the unkown. Oh in only a moments time, I knew my heart was yours, and yours was mine...I knew my heart was yours from the first day."

The first time I heard this song, unang linya pa lang, eksakto na. I'm not really ashamed of admitting that I fell for someone I really never met personally. I don't think it's crazy, or even if you guys think it is, it doesn't matter. I was really into her. Head over heels, kumbaga. I don't know. Di ko sigurado kung love ba talaga yun, pero ang sigurado ko, every single time I had this chance to talk to her, or I receive a text or chat from her, every little thing becomes better. Even the simplest "Hi" would sound "I love you" to my ears, though I really never heard her say that to me. There were times na ewan ko, magulo but the moment that I get to hear her voice, parang it gives me this assurance na everything will be fine. No, I'm not trying to sound cheesy, but that's how I felt about her. If that's not love, then I don't know what to call it. Binigay ko yung puso ko sa taong di ko pa talaga nakikilala, ayos lang, I thought I got her heart too, hindi pala. Okay lang. 

Along the way, there were chances, there were moments that I wanted her to know exactly whatever na nafifeel ko, kaso yun nga, I'm reminding myself na, "wag na! Di na importante" Not because di siya importante, but siguro kasi, may ibang importante for her, at hindi ako yun. Okay lang.

I'll always say "Okay lang." EVERY SINGLE TIME. Every fucking time, kahit na inside me, I'm already breaking and screaming. Siguro defense mechanism, na pinapaniwala ko na okay lang lahat, kasi wala akong choice. 

Since Monday, sinasabi niya na sa akin na kaya na niyang magrisk sa akin (WOW! First time) pero what can I do? What can I fucking do? I cannot just give my heart to her just because she's asking for it. Like what I have said "Kung madali kang nakuha ng isang tao, madali ka din niyang bibitawan" I can't do it now, that doesn't mean I cannot do it sa ibang time. Kapag nakita ko sigurong deserve na niya. 

Itong exact time na 'to (2:23am of May 18, 2014) I'm just sticking to whatever I have decided and that's to just go with the flow. Kung sinong nandyan, nandyan. Kung sinong gustong umalis, umalis. I just cannot reserve a spot for someone sa buhay ko. Hindi naman ako maganda, but at this point sa buhay ko, may mga taong sobrang mag effort, just to get my attention, just to get a simple "yes?" from me. At dahil natuto na ako sa ex ko, di ko na uuliting ibigay ang puso ko ng basta-basta. Kung sino yung kaya akong ipaglaban, kung sino yung di bibitaw sa akin, kung sino yung pursigido, kung sino yung mararamdaman kong sincere at maeffort, kung sino yung totoo, dun mapupunta yung puso ko. That's just it.

Maybe her goodbye to me sa akin, she's not just the one for me. Yep! Nakakalungkot pero I'm not here to entertain people na bibitawan lang ako. If I'll fall in love again, dun sa taong pinaghirapan akong makuha, para di ako bibitawan ng madalian.

So yes, I knew this would be love but we've found the goodbye. Ganun talaga e. Ganun yata talaga. Di man tayo yung para sa isa't isa, pinasaya mo ako. Salamat! :)